Dear Leon,

My daughter is getting married next month and I can't decide on a color scheme for the reception. Lavender would make a lovely choice; however, my future son-in-law's mother has suggested chartreuse. What do you think?


Dear Perplexed,

You need to cut to the heart of the problem. If you eliminate the groom, so also goes the root of your dilemma. The perfect solution would be a 6-inch stainless steel Gerber w/ knuckle guard. Nothing beats the intimacy of termination with extreme prejudice like this little baby. Let the parents choose their wake colors with impunity.

Mr. Professional,

I've been studying really hard at school, but it's so difficult. To tell the truth, I haven't been doing very well in Geography. My parents have always expected the best from me and if I come home with a low grade, they're going to kill me (figuratively speaking). What can I do?


Dear Failing,

The rifle is the first weapon you learn. It goes without saying that your teacher must "buy the dick" (as we say in the business). However, incriminating evidence in your teacher's office could do you in. My advice: take out the whole school. Hijack a tank at your local National Guard Armory or fire-bomb the place with a mixture of gasoline & fertilizer (try your local farmer's co-op for the best price). Do it on a weekend or holiday, though. Remember - no women, no kids. That's the rules.


I, too, want to be a "cleaner." I've got the tools, training in fire-arms & hand-to-hand, etc. I also understand that kids and women are off-limits. Are there any other rules to be a Professional like you?


Dear Edger,

Here now is a reprint of my past column, "Rules of a Professional."

Good luck in your new job!

1. No women.

2. No kids.

3. No pets.

4. No mercy.

5. Dress down.

6. Never whack in anger. It's unprofessional and probably gratis.

7. Be a thinker, not a stinker.

8. Just say "no" to drugs and alcohol.

9. When you're paid to "pop a cap in somebody's ass," don't take it


10. Don't forget to floss.

Dear Professional,

My boss is a real asshole. He's always giving me shit jobs and asking me to work overtime. Once, he even insulted me in front of my girlfriend! Any suggestions?


Dear Pissed,

Take it up with your union.


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